I am back! And just like I had hoped, I am MUCH more heartily healthy than the last time I was here. In fact, shortly after my last blog post I had about 2 hours of the most INSANE LOST delirium while trying to get to sleep. Every 1.5 minutes I snapped awake from some intense scene from LOST (either one that was really from the show or one I fabricated in my head).
It's been a slooooooowwwwww recovery. And the most insane, Old Testament plague-like illness I have ever had (pretty sure I got it from someone at our local community center). In my agony I texted desperately to friends and family to please pray for me because I honestly thought I was gonna lose my mind and in those moments I was desperate and hanging on the hope of prayer. It was about 11 days of horribly painful mouth/throat blisters that turned into open fire-like ulcers, off-on fevers, aches, chills, making it impossible to do ANYTHING (especially eating) but sleep and gather courage to drink water. I was pretty convinced I wasn't going to ever get better. I felt like the stench of death oozed from every pore and I kind of looked like it too (especially because I couldn't brush my teeth...YUCK!!!!). After four days of being ONLY in bed, my muscles got really weak and it's taken me more than a week to get any strength/appetite back. The miracle is that neither Chris nor Claire caught my virus!
Here's something even more amazing, though. In my own humanity, I am sick and dying, every second. There should be no hope. I cannot make myself well.
But on this Easter I am truly filled with joy because, just as my physical body has gone from decay to healing, Jesus is transforming me in the same way but eternally. I should have NOTHING but death to face. But I don't. This selfish, rude, anxious, faithless, often angry, stubborn, Katie, who thinks evil thoughts all the time, cuts people off in traffic and fights to not flip off other "stupid" drivers (yes, it's true), is being renewed.
I am not renewing myself. Jesus is renewing me.
He is bringing me from this death to life. He is sweeping through a change. And even though my body will die Jesus will prove even more how amazing and powerful He is compared to decay, sickness and death because HE IS ALIVE! Because He rose from the dead! And anyone who believes in Him has that promise!
Granted, sometimes I feel ANYTHING but "healed" or "renewed". I often feel like I did last week, "Will I EVER get better? Am I always going to be sick? I am pretty sure that these sores are just going to keep spreading and I am going to die from this." That, my friends, is hopelessness...which comes when faith is lost. But, faith is, knowing that even though I am sick now and that I do have SO many faults, it doesn't matter....because I don't heal myself, Jesus does.
I feel a little strange typing all of this out. Honestly, it was a bit unexpected. It is indeed NOT my intention to preach at anyone. But can I just say that this is a sincere outpouring from my heart.
Jesus died for the WORLD. Jesus rose from the dead because death couldn't have power over Him; He's God. And Jesus does love you and wants you to have that same life in Him.