Well, too bad. I'm sick, grumpy and stuck in bed. And I'm so tired of watching LOST (yikes! gasp! I know, blasphemy!) that I meandered over to blogger to just type things that people will possibly read.
So, last Friday, I started coming down with something. Some chills, achiness, sore throat...you know. I gave myself permission to just try to work through it for a couple days, sure it would blow over. Friends, tomorrow is the beginning of day #7. I have been to the Urgent Care and the ER convinced I am dying, only to be told I have coxsackie virus and that I'll just have to wait it out. You know, this is one of those times where I wish I could have had the option of bacterial infection vs. a virus.
I won't go into great detail about the horrors wrough in my oropharyngeal airway and the rest of my body. This is when I kind of sink into being a pessimist. Most people who know me (and consequently, my husband) always guess that I'm the optimist and Chris is the pessimist. Maybe on very superficial levels. But, my husband is very complicated and deep in that when it REALLY matters, that's when he has faith and optimism. And I am rather, say, shallow and weak at times because that's when I spiral into despair, sure that things are only going to continue on towards destruction. I actually laughed at myself the other night though.
Seriously, I was having quite morbid, sad thoughts about where this sickness might take me. I know, it seems silly. And it's not always been how I handle things. But, something happened about seven years ago. My 26-year-old brother died of pneumonia.....in the 21st century. Most people are pretty shocked. WHO passes away from pneumonia? So, when I am going through common illnesses like these sometimes that is when I most feel the effect of my brother's death. Okay, I am feeling rambly right now....warning...the next few paragraphs might not tie together neatly or coherently.
I don't know why my brother died of a very treatable disease. I do know that God is good. I wonder though, what his last minutes were like. And when I'm laying here, alone, feverish, and a myriad of other things I think, "What was my brother thinking as he lay alone, feverish, trouble breathing." I will, of course, probably never know fully. I do believe God was with him in those last moments....for many reasons I won't go into right now.
God is helping me have grace for what I and maybe others might see as pure melodrama. My over-dramatic thoughts of my funeral and family moving on without me. In a strange way, it's a way to kind of feel close to Tim, my brother. To try to understand how, in the end, it was really just him and God. And to maybe, even if I'm feeling kind of lost to my own worries or fears there's this pinpoint of light where God is helping me have faith that He is with me always, as well.
I've imagined myself developing complications of meningitis, encephalitis, etc. Trust me, whenever a severe headache hits I'm sure that it's about time for me to lapse into a coma. Or when I feel a little bit more labored with my breathing *ding!* I have myocarditis....all, possible (but EXTREMEMLY rare) complications of certain types of this virus- thank-you-very-much Google! I imagine Claire not having a mother. Just like my niece, no longer has a living father (she was 3 when he died). It all just *feels* so possible that it's hard to break myself away and just be present with God. And know he's with me. And that I am actually not gonna die from being sick. And yes, I know...it is laughable. So, if you're laughing at my lunacy, I am not offended. I was laughing at myself the other night.
Another thing being sick does...makes you more open to being vulnerable and sharing way too many things with the world wide internet. I hope I haven't opened up too much judgement on myself. Let's hope the next time I post I'll not be delirious and sick but heartily healthy! In the meantime, it's back to LOST, popsicles and PowerAde.